


Music Box Blues

by iminterstellar



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Memories, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 15:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21643966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iminterstellar/pseuds/iminterstellar
Summary: In an endless snow storm, two hearts that were disconnected come together once more with the help of a music box, shattered ornament, and long forgotten childhood dreams
Relationships: Lim Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Kudos: 21





	Music Box Blues

**Author's Note:**

> winter / christmas is my favorite time of year so in turn have this

Sitting on the train, Changkyun stared into the quickly fading sunlight, not expecting anything spectacular to happen. The falling snow flew by him as the city lights arrived and faded away as if it was a fleeting memory. It had been snowing for hours now, from the time he arrived at the near-abandoned rail station early in the morning as the sun rose, and now the sunlight was quickly fading as the train sped into the darkness that the night held.

If you were to ask him what had possessed him to walk to the station, light the candles, and board the train, he wouldn’t be able to give you an answer. All of his expectations for life were gone, and at this point he was acting almost purely on instinct alone. Leaving his empty thoughts behind, Changkyun forced himself back to reality as he reached down and opened his backpack pulling out a small music box.

Feeling his body freeze as he held the object once more, it felt heavier than it should have, like it held the weight of everything that had happened. His heart sank as he returned it to his backpack as the memories slowly came back. Why didn’t he throw the stupid thing away? Well, he knows why, but it’s not something he could ever admit to anyone, let alone himself.

Leaning back to the window, Changkyun let his tears fall like the snow as the city lights came closer instead of fading away.

⩤•⩥

Kihyun walked through the snowy city dressed head to toe in black. Standing out against the snow but blending into the night. His body was wrapped in warmth but he still felt cold, it was a cold he couldn’t escape even in the scathing July heat. A year has passed already and he still felt empty, no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t remember exactly what had happened, it was all locked in a box and shoved deep into his memories. All he was sure of was that the words they said fell silent and no longer mattered.

Drifting through the snow without any destination in mind, he came to a rail station that felt abandoned, out of place. After looking back towards the station with an unfocused gaze, not really seeing, just looking; if he made some sort of eye contact with anyone by accident, it didn’t register as he walked past the station without a second thought. Continuing his way through the night Kihyun ignored the uneasy feeling that had begun in his stomach.

Hearing a familiar sound, he was shocked out of his daze as he turned around and began to frantically look for the object. It was the music box, he couldn’t explain how he heard it, he had walked at least a block away from the station by now. Running back with some sort of hope in his chest, Kihyun picked up the object and shut its lid stopping the melody.

Looking around for the owner, his heart began beating out of his chest, he had been given a second chance, he could bring the other home. Fix their relationship and what he did just like he fixed the music box.

After searching for the younger, for what felt like hours, he had finally given up. Is this what Changkyun felt like that night he ran away last year? Somehow Kihyun couldn’t believe that he made the younger feel this way, but at the same time he knew he was the only one capable of doing so.

Walking around in the area, heart full of worry, he asked everyone that would listen if they had seen Changkyun, but no one had. He was like an ornament lost inside the night, it was all by chance that he had even met Changkyun in the first place, and now it was chance that he had lost him.

Walking aimlessly through the snow storm once again, memories of Christmas past began playing on repeat inside his mind. It had only been a year since everything had he loved was destroyed but it felt like so much longer. The music box felt heavy in his coat pocket, the black ashwood that was once smooth felt rough once again. His thoughts wandered to Changkyun, how was the younger doing? Was he eating, was he back on the streets? The more questions he asked himself, the more his heart began to hurt.

Arriving back at his apartment building, the strange feeling persisted that he was meant to be outside in the storm looking for Changkyun. Like he was supposed to bring the younger home. Kicking the snow off his boots Kihyun made his way to the elevators fighting the urge to go back, deep down he knew he had lost. Once the elevator doors opened, he thoughtlessly walked inside, body running on autopilot as he punched in the code for his loft, his other hand carefully caressing the box as if he was going to break it.

Soft Christmas instrumentals played in the elevator leaving no room for silence in the still air. He was beginning to wonder why Christmas even mattered if you weren’t with the ones you love, the meaning is lost if it’s not shared. Sliding down the mirror-clad wall, he crouched on the floor as the elevator sped up to his apartment, even if he knew he was alone, he still fought back his tears as he toyed with the music box in his hands.

Once the doors opened once again, Kihyun shed his jacket and dropped it on the floor not caring about the expensive cloth, he could always buy another anyway. His boots and sweater followed as he walked towards the living room.

Grabbing a candle off the coffee table, he took off the lid dropping it on the floor as he sat in front of his window wall that overlooked the city. The view wasn’t something he thought much of until a certain someone came into his life and now the window was his favorite spot. The only reason his apartment was so isolated was because he just didn’t like people but now the apartment felt all too empty.

Pulling the lighter from his pocket, he tilted the candle to the side before flicking the lighter and igniting the wick. Setting the fire on the floor, Kihyun opened the ashwood music box and placed it next to the warmth before he scooting away. Watching the snow fall, he began to wonder how he lost his second chance so easily.

With his gaze out of focus, he felt as lifeless as he looked as the tears finally fell.

⩤•⩥

Getting off the train, Changkyun followed his gut instinct in the once familiar city. Stepping outside of the station, he looked up from the snow covered ground, making eye contact with a ghost from his past. He felt himself go pale as he dropped the music box that had somehow made its way back into his hands. The other looked so dead, so lonely, watching silence as Kihyun turned and continued to walk away, Changkyun felt his heart drop.

What Kihyun had said last Christmas was true, he didn’t need Changkyun. Even after running away, this somehow felt like the most distance there had ever been between them. Tears began to fall once more as he left the music box in the snow, playing it’s melchaonic but hopeful melody.

Standing alone in the crowd, he looked down at the opened box. Knowing the box was his last attachment to the elder and his source of bittersweet memories, he left it there in the snow. Turning his back, he pulled up his hoodie and wrapped his arms around himself. Ready to go back to the train, he didn’t know what to feel when the station was completely erased, almost as if it never existed to begin with.

He felt so lost and confused, why did fate do this to him? What had he done to deserve this? He had given everything to Kihyun, even if it wasn’t much to begin with, only for Kihyun to throw it all back at him like it was nothing. Living on the streets wasn’t his favorite thing in the world, but he wasn’t afraid to do it again if he had to, it wasn’t anything new to him after all.

Walking by a toy store, he gazed inside looking at the happy families wishing he could be a part of the warmth and happiness as the snow continued to fall. After lingering for a short period of time, he began to head further into the night, considering his very limited options for both water and shelter.

The night began to seem endless as he finally came across a bar, the neon blue beckoning him in. Standing across the street, the promise of warmth eventually won him over even if he couldn’t afford to eat or drink. Knowing there was no traffic, he crossed the street directly and stood in the doorway, sheltered from the snow.

Doubt began to cloud his mind as his hand reached for the door handle, metal more than freezing to the touch. Yanking his hand away and feeling the burn in his hand, he took that as his sign to back away, but something was still calling him inside. It was a similar feeling the train had given him, a feeling of belonging, like he was supposed to be there and if he was, then everything was going to be alright.

The pull of belonging continued, and the more it pulled the more it felt like home. Fighting through the burn, he opened the door and walked into the neon blue. Kihyun’s favorite color.

⩤•⩥

Staring into the storm, Kihyun was brought back to reality as he saw a purple star appear amidst all the darkness of the night sky. Standing up as fast as he could, he ran towards the door grabbing his boots and coat as well as a second scarf out of the entryway closet.

Calling the elevator, he kept pushing the button frantically, he couldn’t explain what he was feeling, just that he had to go there. Wrapping the second scarf around his neck, he didn’t even realize that he had grabbed Changkyun’s old one in his haste.

Truth be told, everything that Changkyun had left was still strewn across his apartment, even Changkyun’s favorite ornament that Kihyun had broken in a fit of anger. It rested in Changkyun’s favorite jar that Kihyun had bought him on the coffee table, everything was Changkyun and Kihyun never found himself questioning it, even when he did; the answer was always the same.

Kihyun knew just how much that ornament had meant to him when he broke it, and the shattered glass served as a reminder of what he had done to their relationship, but to the younger as well. Broken promises, a broken childhood, and now a broken home.

Back outside in the snow, Kihyun followed his instinct and ran where his body told him to. He didn’t care how cold the wind felt on his face, or just how crisp it was. If he slid and fell, he got back up and continued running.

⩤•⩥

Changkyun knew all the patrons were talking about him, it wasn’t very often someone like him walked into a bar in the dead of the night looking like he did. Everything inside was dressed in blue it hurt somehow, it was a reminder of what he had and lost with Kihyun. Turning around to leave, the melody that filled the air began to reach him.

_ If you want to arrange it, this world you can change it, we could somehow make this Christmas thing last, by helping a neighbor, or even a stranger, if you know who needs help, you only need just ask. _

He had always loved the sound of acoustic guitars, and songs with stories to tell. Standing in front of the door, it began to open allowing a child to walk inside. Staring at the 12-ish year old as he walked up to the bar. The kid looked an awful lot like Changkyun himself, he was losing his mind, he had to be.

“There’s a boy who can no longer go home-” Changkyun heard the kid say.

“How would you notice, not that I care anyway. Why are you even here kid?” The bartender replied as she continued to polish a glass.

“I’ve noticed, if one could be home, they’d already be there.” With that Changkyun pushed open the door, he walked back into the night ashamed of himself. He remembered the bars he took shelter in as a kid, it never really lasted for more than a few hours, but it always meant so much. 

Walking back across the street he looked back to the bar and began weighing his options, turning around to leave an old payphone booth had appeared in the snow. If it was there already and he just didn’t notice, or if it was like the train station, he was unsure. Deciding to call Kihyun and put an end to everything once and for all, he began pulling what little change he had from his backpack, he went to put it into the machine only to find it was broken. Feeling his heart sink once again, he had really lost all hope this time. He just wanted to call Kihyun and apologize for causing him trouble, and tell him not to worry (if he even did), that he’d be okay in the end no matter what but he couldn’t even do that now.

Falling to his knees, Changkyun began sobbing into his knees as he wrapped his arms tight around himself, why was fate making him suffer like this? He just wanted to right his wrong and apologize. No matter how many times he thought back to last Christmas, the cause for Kihyun’s yelling was him, even if Kihyun had done the most damage.

Feeling someone hug him softly, a female voice whispered in his ear when he had finished crying. He didn’t register what she said but he nodded anyway and allowed himself to be led back across the street and inside the bar.

Drinking the hot chocolate he had been served, his body suddenly felt too hot. With his backpack at his feet, he pulled it onto his lap before taking off his ragged and worn hoodie and shoved it inside the bag before dropping it back to the ground. He could feel the stares on him as his thermal hugged him tight, showing off his too-skinny and toned frame.

Looking for the child that had undoubtedly helped him, Changkyun was unable to find him and another wave of loneliness washed over his mind. If even the childhood version of himself was going to leave, then who was going to stay?

⩤•⩥

Standing alone in the snow, Kihyun had reached the outskirts of the city. If you were to ask him if he knew where he was, he wouldn’t have been able to answer. All he knew was that he was chasing down the purple star in the sky, Changkyun’s favorite color; not knowing where it would lead him.

The snow was slowly beginning to let up as it drifted around him like some sort of sympathy. Following the drifting snow, he had a feeling that his life was about to change drastically, whether it was for better or for worse he was unsure. He just knew he was heading back towards his reason, distractions had long faded from his view. It felt like all the time that had been taken from him, had led him to this bar. All he could do now was hope that Changkyun was inside.

The snow had broken around the bar, and it beckoned him like a dream, like it was daring him to go in, daring him to face his past, present, and future. He had wasted so much time with the younger, and then time began wasting him as he waited for Changkyun to return. Maybe he should have gone after Changkyun that night, everything could be different now, but he was just too scared. He was being allowed a second chance and he was standing there, second guessing himself.

Finally deciding that the only reason he has left for anything is Changkyun, he opened the door to the bar, ignoring the odd warmth of the handle and walked into the electric mix of blue and purple.

Jazz filled the air with a heavier tone, the lights were low but every song had a sort of glow to it. A fir tree stood solitary in the corner covered in neon blue and purple lights with clear ornaments that reflected the light all over the bar. The refracted light was making it a challenge to see, but the air felt electric. Shedding his coat and scarves he placed them on the bar and asked for water.

Hearing people begin to laugh, he looked down the bar, spotting Changkyun looking more alive than he had ever been, even with him. Staring in shock, this night really was the weirdest night of his life. Not only did it continue on for what felt like an eternity, it was also filled with ghosts of Christmas past, presenting things to him that shouldn’t have been real. Like the payphone and train station he had come across. All these things led him to believe that he was trapped in a dream, and now it was just messing with him.

⩤•⩥

Changkyun laughed with everyone else at his own joke, the bar felt isolated from the world, like it was some sort of salvation and he was more than delighted by it. Even if it was wrapped in Kihyun’s color. The jazz band continued playing for the bar, the atmosphere was more than comfortable, he truly felt like he was at home.

He had barely eaten and yet he felt more full than he ever had in his life, tonight was weird he’d admit, and he wasn’t sure if he was dying or something but he was okay with it. He didn’t want to leave, if it really was some sort of dream, salvation, or even death. It would take a miracle for him to leave, or even just Kihyun. With the older male back on his mind, his heart began to ache once more. He missed the other, he really did, he just wished he could call and apologize.

⩤•⩥

Kihyun couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Changkyun was there in front of him. The bar door burst open and two boys ran inside, chasing each other. Taking a closer look, Kihyun noticed that the boys looked strikingly like him and Changkyun. The older version of Changkyun simply high fived the younger version of himself, a smile wide across his face. If this was some sort of salvation for the other, it truly was in Changkyun fashion. A dropdead and very child-like version of it.

Feeling a pull on his shirt Kihyun looked down and the child version of himself, he shook his head questioningly while mouthing the word “what” with genuine confusion. This night had been strange enough already, he wasn’t about to force it to start make it sense. If Changkyun wasn’t going to with his beautifully scientific mind, then Kihyun wasn’t going to either, simple as that. This was just the current reality.

Noticing that the younger version of himself was pointing to Changkyun, Kihyun shook his head that he couldn’t, bringing his hands up to defend himself in the short process. He looked so happy now, like this is where he was always meant to be. Not on the streets, and not with Kihyun either; but in a bar full of strangers with the atmosphere being dressed in a comfortable hue of purple.

Kihyun’s heart sank further as one of the strangers offered Changkyun their phone, straining to hear what they were talking about the music somehow understood his struggles and seemingly lowered. Pulling the younger version of himself on to his lap, the two of them looked on in silence as Changkyun began making phone calls. For whatever reason, it felt like this kid held every single dream that Kihyun once had or ever will have, it wasn’t something he could describe, and if he had to; the words “guardian angel” were the only ones that came to mind.

⩤•⩥

Taking the phone that had been offered to him, Changkyun began calling his very short list of people starting with his mom. The call had been long and emotional, he apologized for everything he had done and everything he will do, even if she really didn’t care, he still felt like a failure. Once the phone call ended with his mom, he looked at the phone with tears in his eyes as he debated calling the only other person he wanted to talk to. Kihyun.

He debated if the elder even wanted to hear from him, if he wanted to he could have found a way to contact Changkyun with the amount of resources he has, right? His thoughts continued getting darker the more he overthought this phone call.

Turning away from the bar, he held the phone with both of his hands as tears began falling, landing on the phone’s screen. Feeling something warm on his hands, he looked up with blurry vision to see the childhood version of himself holding his hands gently, nodding his head in encouragement. He had already figured out that the kid was the holder of all his dreams: past, present, and future, and some form of personal guardian, so if the younger version of himself wanted him to do it, then he was going to.

Typing the only other phone number he had memorized besides his own (when he had one) and his mother’s, he took a shaky breath and pressed the call button, bringing the phone to his ear.

⩤•⩥

Watching as his watch vibrated with a call notification from an unknown number that still read as “baby wolf” Kihyun let out a shaky breath he didn’t realize he had been holding.

“Kihyun?” He could hear Changkyun ask in a very shy and scared tone.

“What is it?” Kihyun tried his best to keep his voice low and sweet to let his worry shine through. He remembered how scared the younger would get anytime someone would raise their voice at him or even just speak with a monotone voice. He never really learned the reason why, he had always just accepted it. Maybe if he had accepted more things at face value and waited for Changkyun to come to him with meanings and stories instead of forcing him, things could be different.

“I-I wasn’t expecting you to pick up so I don’t really know what to say-” He sounded more nervous than he ever had in his life.

“You don’t have to say anything Changkyun, it’s okay I prom-”

“I’m sorry for everything I did Kihyun, for meeting you and coming into your life and for not being the person you wanted me to be. I promised that I’d never make you mad and I did to the point you yelled at me, and on Christmas eve no less-” By this point the younger was sobbing and rambling on, apologizing for even existing and Kihyun’s heart couldn’t take it anymore.

Feeling a weight lift from his lap, the childhood version of himself ran to hold hands with the crying childhood Changkyun before the two intertwined their hands and ran into the snow, praying it would never go away. Paying close attention to the kids, he hoped that they would give him some sort of answer, that they would tell him what to do. But instead, they had disappeared into the calming snow storm.

Standing up he walked over to the still sobbing Changkyun and wrapped one of his hands around the younger’s. He was going to be better, he was going to understand things as they were until Changkyun told him otherwise, he wasn’t going to yell ever again either. Whenever winter came around he was going to be kinder and gentler, it was the one time of year the younger loved and it was the least that he deserved. Changkyun deserved the same kindness that he had always shown the world around him, and Kihyun was ready to be that if the younger would allow him.

⩤•⩥

“Changkyun baby, I need you to breathe for me. It’s okay and yelling was my fault, nothing I could say could ever justify what happened last year and I’ll never try to because you deserve better.” Changkyun nodded with the phone despite knowing that Kihyun couldn’t see him. Feeling the warmth disappear and reappear on his free hand, a thumb began running over the back of his hand in a soothing motion.

“I’m here, and I’m not letting you go so easily again, if you do decide to go again then I’m gonna come after you, just like I should have in the first place.” Hearing Kihyun’s voice so close and so clearly made his heart ache in a way it hadn’t since the night began. He missed the elder more than he realized and deep down he knew there was still no way he could go back, even if Kihyun would accept him back into his life like he said. After all, Changkyun wasn’t the kind of person that people would fight for.

Hanging up the phone and dropping it, he brought both of his hands up to protect his face as he cried once more.

“I’m here.” Leaning into the warm and familiar voice, Changkyun was met with a sturdy chest. Eyes opening wide, he locked eyes with Kihyun. The elder stared at Changkyun with a soft and loving gaze, his presence finally revealed. Once realization set in that Kihyun was actually there, in front of him, the tears came harder than they had any other time he cried that night.

⩤•⩥

The bar began to cheer as the two hugged each other tight, too afraid that the other would disappear again if he let go. Kihyun let his own tears fall as he hid himself in Changkyun’s neck, he tightened his grip around the younger in a reassurance that he was there, and he wasn’t leaving without Changkyun.

“Come on baby, we gotta go home to decorate the apartment and the tree. I saved it all just for you when you came home.” Kihyun kept his voice in a soothing and loving tone, too afraid to scare Changkyun again. There weren’t many mistakes Kihyun had made in his life, he always believed that everything happens for a reason, firm in his belief of not changing the past since it led to where he is now. But if given the chance, he would have never yelled at Changkyun that night, and even if he did again, this time he would go after him.

Feeling Changkyun nod as he sniffled, Kihyun backed away slightly to allow the younger to stand up as he tucked the other under his arm. Returning the now gently falling snow, Kihyun wrapped Changkyun’s scarf around the younger before intertwining their hands and pulling them into his pocket. 

By the time they had returned to the warmth of the apartment, the candle seemed like it hadn’t melted down at all and the music box was still playing its melody. Kihyun smiled softly as he took both of Changkyun’s hands into his and crouched as he looked into the younger’s eyes.

“You know, out of all my dreams, you were the first I knew and every other one was just a charade. You think of yourself as the darkest night, but in reality you’re the brightest star. You’re always kind no matter what time of year it is and you’re always willing to take someone in to the best of your ability, and even if I’m far away you stayed close.” Despite Changkyun not returning his gaze, Kihyun knew the younger was listening intently, he had only realized all of these subtleties after he essentially drove the other out last Christmas. He was given a second chance by the Queen of the Winter Night to be the boyfriend he had promised to be, and he refused to let it go to waste.

Standing up Kihyun pulled Changkyun back into his embrace with a smile on his face. “The Queen of the Winter Night wants us to try again.” He heard Changkyun whisper, voice trailing off.

“She does, so let’s give her what she wants okay?” Kihyun chuckled softly as he felt Changkyun still and then nod. Reluctantly letting go of the younger’s hand, Kihyun walked into the kitchen and turned on the sound system as he began making hot chocolate for the two of them.

⩤•⩥

Changkyun felt the need to cry one last time as the smell of hot chocolate filled the air accompanied by the sound of his favorite Christmas music. The song was like how a gentle snowfall would sound, gentle, airy, and a beautiful orchestra. He wondered what had happened to Kihyun in the year he was gone for the other to indulge Changkyun like he was now. Even his childish ideals of Christmas such was the Queen of the Winter Night.

The box and ornament that had been shattered were the only things that knew everything Changkyun had been through, all the times his hands had bled and the words left unsaid. Only the snow was capable of healing the scars across his life and all his years that now laid broken.

It had been a year long journey back to Kihyun’s, a walk that started with a step that turned into blocks, blocks turning into miles, as he followed the path that would eventually lead him to the train station hidden in evergreen trees lit by fireflies. Unlit candles of melted wax were scattered through the station with a lone match on the floor. 

Somehow knowing the candles were childhood dreams, he lit them carefully as the healing snow fell gently across the forest. A childhood version of himself had helped relight all of the candles, and Changkyun saw everything he had once dreamed, everything that could be, and every memory that he had locked away. Even with a single match in the dark, the world wasn’t the same. Looking outside, he noticed a dimming and lone blue star in the sky despite the lack of both clouds and light pollution, the child responded simply.

“So we’d know that we could see that far.” His voice was so much lighter than Changkyun’s, still so innocent and unhurt by the world. In a blink, the child was gone leaving Changkyun alone with the unlit candles as the sound of a train approached. Unsure of why, he boarded the train, knowing it was for him.

When he boarded that train with no destination and him with no expectations, the last thing he could have dreamed of was returning to Kihyun. 

Walking up to the window, Changkyun picked up the still playing music box and gently shut the lid as the snow finally began to stop.

**Author's Note:**

> this is the fastest i've ever written a fic esp since most of it was written on a plane back to boston, i think i'm gaining my confidence in writing back, merry christmas if you celebrate and happy holidays if you don't
> 
> twt: @iminterstellar


End file.
